Care and Feeding: Slate’s Parenting Advice Column
Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
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**Dear Care and Feeding,**
My 67-year-old dad has been sick with a rare cancer since 2017. Without going too much into the saga of his surgeries and treatments, it’s been a battle with many ups and downs. Up until more recently, he was managing well and able to do most of the activities that he loves to do, including spending time with his grandchildren. He has become very thin and weaker than ever before, with frequent exhaustion that requires a lot of rest. There are no more treatment options, and it’s unclear what the management looks like from here. There is no formal prognosis, but I fear that at the rate things are going, he does not have a lot of time left.
My mom, who has been his caretaker, is also exhausted and emotionally drained from this. My question revolves around talking about this with my son, “Freddie.” Freddie just turned 4, and because my dad has mostly been able to do regular things with us when we visit (we live four hours away by car), I’ve never actually told him that his grandpa is sick. It seemed way too complicated to discuss with him, especially before he was 4.
How do you prepare a young child for the passing of their grandparent? Do I even discuss it with him yet? We have not really had an official conversation about death before, outside of seeing roadkill or a bug being squished. We haven’t talked about dying in regards to people. I don’t want to talk about it too soon, because I know it would take away from the time that he does spend with my dad, not to mention make my dad feel uncomfortable or sad. But would waiting make it more difficult?
Freddie is very social with great language skills and a mind like a steel trap, and I know if I were to discuss something with him, he’d likely talk about it with or in front of grandma or grandpa. I’m also trying to emotionally prepare myself for losing my dad, something that seemed like a death sentence almost 10 years ago, and it feels incredibly heavy and weighs on my mind a lot.
—Preparing for the Passing
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**Dear Preparing,**
You’re doing such a good job, and you should continue to follow your gut here. I think it’s been the right move to avoid talking about your dad’s illness with your son, and I think you should put it off as long as you can. What a gift, in a time of pain and anxiety, to have a child who is oblivious to it. Give your dad and yourself (and your son!) this gift as long as it keeps making sense.
It’s likely that pretty soon, Freddie will notice that something is different, and there will be something material that you can talk about with him. For example, if your dad follows the usual trajectory of a person with untreatable cancer, his energy will continue to decrease. He’ll stop leaving the house, then stop leaving his bed. Whether you and Freddie are doing video calls or in-person visits, these are things that your son will notice, and you can talk to him about it.
Keep your explanations simple and straightforward. So you might say, “We’re going to visit grandpa, and he’s going to be in his bed because he’s very sick.” You don’t need to tell Freddie that granddad is dying—wait to tell him about death until your dad has died.
I know you’re worried about “preparing” him, but as you’re finding, even adults can’t really “prepare” ourselves for the death of loved ones. Even once your dad goes on hospice, it could be weeks or months before he dies—everyone’s timeline is their own. That uncertainty is going to be hard enough for you; protect your son from it, if you can.
When your dad does die, use simple language to tell your son, something like: “Grandpa died, it means we can’t see him or talk to him anymore, but we can talk about him and look at pictures and know that he loved us very much.” And it’s OK to be sad about it with him! He’ll have a lot of questions, and again, just be as straightforward and honest as possible. And it’s OK to say, “I don’t know.”
It can really help to read about how other people have handled these conversations, because you’ll see that there is no “one right way.” You might also find language that resonates with you. [This Reddit thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/8fqf0i/how_do_you_prepare_a_preschoolager_for_the_death/) has some really thoughtful responses. [This Cup of Jo post](https://cupofjo.com/2019/10/how-to-talk-children-about-death/) is gold, and the comments section is also a really wonderful font of wisdom. And of course, our columnists have written on this topic in the past: Allison Price, Nicole Cliffe, and Carvell Wallace (twice).
Good luck, you can do this. And I’m sorry that your father is so ill. You’re doing a good job, for your dad and your son.
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**Dear Care and Feeding,**
My 3-year-old son is going through a phase where he refuses to wear clothes. In the mornings, I have to literally dress him and get him to the car ASAP when we leave for his daycare, because if I leave him unattended for so much as a minute, everything comes off and I have to start all over. His daycare has had some success in keeping him clothed, but if they don’t watch him carefully he’ll soon be wearing his birthday suit. It’s getting to the point where they have said he will not be able to come back if the problem isn’t resolved.
My husband thinks that since the weather is getting colder, the solution is to let him go outside without his clothes on so he can “learn what they’re for.” I’m not willing to risk him getting hypothermia just to prove a point. Help!
—Mom of a Little Nudist
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**Dear Mom,**
Your husband’s idea is almost good—natural consequences, etc.—but actually, it’s bad and could spectacularly backfire. We don’t just wear clothes to keep us warm in the cold. We wear them because, in our society, it’s an universal rule, in public and in many private businesses (like daycares!), that we wear clothes that cover our bodies.
Also, many kids feel temperature differently, and it’s entirely possible your son could go out in the cold naked and be perfectly comfortable and undeterred in the least. He might also get hypothermia, so let’s just nip that one in the bud.
You’re on a daycare deadline, so instead of trying to make a behavior change, I think you’ve got to make a clothes change and dress him in clothes that he can’t take off—the most common suggestion I’ve seen for this is one-piece pajamas worn backwards, so the zips or snaps are in the back. And while you’re at it, I’d make sure the ones you’re picking are soft, breathable, and don’t have tags inside in case he’s stripping because his clothes are uncomfortable. (Often, brands label these as “sensory friendly.”) You might have to try several options, but hopefully you can get one that he’ll tolerate (I expect that he’ll try to take anything off at first, but will soon move on.)
I think this will be a blip. Good luck!
–Logan
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**More Parenting Advice From Slate**
Is there such a thing as taking too many pictures of your kids? My husband, who is a great father, is really fanatical about taking photos of our only child, a 3-year-old girl. He takes pictures of her CONSTANTLY. He thinks it’s important to document every day, so he’ll take a minimum of 10 photos daily, along with a few short videos. That’s just on an average day. If anything remotely interesting happens—a new toy, an outing, a new skill—he’ll take dozens of photos and 10–20 minutes of video. He has videos of her singing every song she knows, every word she tries to say.
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*For more letters and answers, check out the Care and Feeding archives on Slate.*
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